I've decided one thing. I'm a fool. I'm a fool for dating someone who is only my boyfriend when he feels it's right. I'm his girlfriend all the time but he can't show me compassion and understanding when people he knows are in the room. People he knows who he thinks are going to tell his parents. I think that's retarded- you shoudl be able to date whoever you want. Obviously he's having issues. But I'm the fool because I stay anyway. It feels lately I've been bathing myself in my own tears. And it just seems like he doesn't care. I want him to approach me and say "I'm sorry, I've been stupid, I've been blind. I shouldn't worry about whatever people say." And then I'd be like okay, idiot, finally.

He asks me what the matter is, and what can I say? I don't want to break up with him- I just want him to know that he has issues with his parents and I think he should work them out before we think about our future. That's not breaking up with him is it? He was trying to tell me how bad his weekend was, doing chores and getting lip from his asshole parents, but all I kept thinking about was "But were you crying through the weekend? Was your glimmer of hope that I said I'd come to see you on Monday? No, that was mine." And then he cancels, ON monday. I can't. I can't do it anymore- all the canceling of plans because he doesn't have enough balls to stand up for himself.

I won't see him until June, and then I don't know when I wills ee him. This is just REALLY bad, Maggie.

fin.

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